My Season of Reflection

This is a post of nothing grand.. just me putting some of my thoughts to a page.. For those of you who either have known me well, or know me now- one thing you would say about me is “she is a thinker.”

Sometimes this trait serves me well.. other times it causes a battle within myself. But- hey its “ME”… and more and more I find I am ok with “ME”

December has always been a month of deep reflection for me. Not sure if it is because of Christmas, or if it is due to the fact that my birthday is on New years Eve..- the start of another year.  But I think ALOT about deep stuff this time of year.. reflect on all that has gone on in the previous year. Some of my thoughts bring hurts or unresolved things to the surface and it causes pain, but this year seems somehow different. I have really learned things. Things about myself, about other people, and about life.

I have heard your “40’s” is a great time. Meaning that certain things in your life and mind ”gel or mold” if you will. After this year, I see it.. I understand it more.

Big losses in my life this year. No actual death.. but loss.  Atleast that is how I have looked at it up until recent months.. I have never really been specific on certain things, but in this post I will.. hell- its my blog.. why have I held back in being specific? Afraid of hurting people maybe? Who knows.. But one thing I have gained this year in all of my losses is this. It is OK and RIGHT for me to set boundries with people. I am too valuable to not be treated as such. I demand a certain level of respect now, and no longer see the need for people who cannot recognize what I have to offer.. finally… I am “OK” with it..  I realize in no way is any of it a measure of my worth..

My biggest loss was a best friend. A sister to me.. an Aunt to my children. Her children… her husband… a friend to my husband.. very difficult for my entire family.. it also meant the loss of my business- a business which BIG Dreams were built on.. 

Am I better because of it all? Absolutely. I have some wonderful memories of my time with this person.. as do my kids. Recently they have spoken alot of her and of her children.. just this morning Clay said- “Mom.. these muffins are just like Miss Amy’s- gooey inside.” I was shocked… I couldnt believe he remembered that.

Ellie heard a song a few weeks back and remembered a time of her singing into a water bottle, she also found a picture of the other kids.. she asked for the zillionth time- will we ever see them again?

My answer as always is, ” I dont know.” I have been honest with them.. told them as much as they would understand as children. Just said that she had decided to become very close with people that I knew some bad things about. And that some of those people had treated her poorly, and had bad judgment. I learned most of these things from her..and  That I didnt think they were people who would be positive in my life or in hers, and that she had lied to me.. alot.. and that it was time to move on..

Someone sent me this sermon by T.D. Jakes.. I am only posting the parts that really hit home with me, but these parts I have used in  helping my kids to heal from the loss that this all has left them too.   I have tried to teach them that in life so many things happen for a reason. Some things we will never understand, and thats ok.. our job is to trust that God will see us through, and that someday we will reflect on it all and say, ” It’s Ok.” If this is your season of reflection too- I hope you gain something when you read below..

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Dont try to talk a person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.. I mean hang up the phone.

When people walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you cant make them stay. Let them go. This doesnt mean he/she is a bad person; it just means that his/her part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you can move on. You’ve got to know when its dead.

I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat- I dont need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go! if you are holding onto past hurts, let it go!

if someone cant treat you right, love you back and see your worth- let them go!

you will be better for it, trust me… you will..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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